There are no good or bad emotions per se. However, some emotional displays are more socially acceptable than others, depending on each individual’s socio-economic background, appearances and attached stereotypes.
For example, being spiteful and openly provoking someone is socially accepted. However, a person reacting to that provocation with anger is not.
Furthermore, in the workplace, you must leave your emotions at the door, and display a confident and positive attitude. Demonstrating that you are having a bad week will probably get you removed from the project.
When the pressure is on, organizations look to leaders to take action and to safely bring the organization out of hot waters. Leaders who are unable to step up to the plate will potentially be removed from their position.
As a leader, you must discipline your emotions, always have a clear head, continuously deal with challenges, give and receive feedback, keep your employees motivated and on task, even when you are tired or fed up.
Wondering how to discipline your emotions and improve your leadership skills?
What being emotionally disciplined means…
Emotional discipline is about being able to effectively manage your feelings. Being emotionally disciplined means that you are also able to:
- Stay calm in challenging situations and overpower your own emotions. You can then deal with a tough situation, without making it worse.
- Respond and not react to triggering events.
- Gain more power over yourself and control yourself instead of being controlled.
- Separate your inner voice from the outside noise.
- Remain in the present, avoid dwelling on the past and obsessing about the future.
- Decide and act how you want to really feel.
- Acquire the freedom to express yourself freely and to engage in activities that make you happy.
- Avoid getting tangled up in someone else’s web and positively interact with people. Let’s be honest, emotional discipline is useful to gracefully put people back in their place.
- See people for who they really are and for how they really make you feel.
- Gain new perspectives on your problems and navigate different situations.
- Effectively address important and difficult issues.
- Take advantage of a given situation and delay instant gratification for long-term rewards.
- Possess several strategies to overcome most challenges.
Why discipline your emotions?
People will try your patience and your peace of mind on a daily basis in life and in the workplace.
The way you feel has an impact on your behavior, on the way you lead and the way you think. Your emotions also affect your health, your self-talk and your work performance.
Needless to say, becoming emotionally disciplined requires a lot of self-reflection, quiet moments with yourself and understanding that no one can harm you without your consent.
It requires growth, that you build up your resistance and become thick-skinned. It is not an easy nor an overnight process.
How leaders strengthen their emotional discipline?
Most people who possess emotional discipline are successfully placed in leadership positions because they are able to work through their own discomfort. To strengthen your emotional discipline, it is imperative to acquire the following habits.
#1. Leaders have a strong hold on their identity
They know their core values, their strengths and weaknesses. They also know where to apply them and they learn about themselves through their emotions.
In addition, they do not let stereotypes and assumptions define them.
#2. Leaders understand their triggers
This step is time-consuming because people might not want to immediately confront their emotions and they might resist the drive down memory lane.
When the pressure is on, leaders are able to quickly identify the origin of your emotions. They know their triggers, understand why that situation or this person is triggering them.
Furthermore, they don’t let anyone push their buttons or control them, they don’t react but they respond to negative behavior.
Remember, it is essential to not give the people who are triggering you satisfaction.
#3. Leaders stay on purpose
They wake up in the morning ready to achieve their goals for the day and to make the right decisions for themselves.
#4. Leaders walk with integrity
They do what is right because doing the wrong thing requires too much emotional effort.
Moreover, they take accountability for their actions and don’t shift blame.
#5. Leaders stay in the moment
Most of the time, being in the moment will give you the opportunity to feel your emotional response and give you the appropriate response to any situation.
#6. Leaders identify the emotions that overcome them
If you cannot find the right words to describe your emotion, postpone your self-reflection until later, when you’re in a quiet place.
#7. If they can, leaders write down their thoughts on paper
This way, you will notice your thought patterns, illogical and irrational thoughts, the assumptions that you make, the systems of beliefs, the solutions to your situation, what you need to feel better and to clarify your situation.
#8. Leaders practice self-care
They work out regularly, eat well and do things that you enjoy.
In addition, they take the time to meditate, to quiet the noise in their minds, to improve their self-talk and to employ the power of positive affirmations.
#9. Leaders see people for who they truly are
Leaders are not only self-aware but they are aware of other people’s intention.
#10. Leaders have a strong support system
They have an emotional support system in place that helps them reason, that they go to regularly and that act as a sounding board.
They also surround themselves with people who are emotionally healthy.
#11. Leaders don’t take anything personally
So, emotionally disciplined leaders look for solutions instead of dwelling on their circumstances, focus on the positive and don’t dwell on the negative.
Last Words Of Advice!
You cannot run from your emotions and project false ones.
Eventually, they will catch up with you. One small insignificant incident can trigger and instantly download all the emotions that you haven’t dealt with.
Don’t be afraid of your emotions. They are there to help you and they will ease up once you have confronted them.
Hope that I’ve helped you get it together on your way to leadership!
Don’t forget to like, share and leave a comment below.
Sometimes, our circumstances don’t match our inner thoughts and beliefs about ourselves. Sometimes, we haven’t figured out who we are yet and we are leaning into other people’s expectations of us.
Sometimes, we believe that our personality will be rejected when it is our character that counts. Other times, we notice that one type of leadership is thriving and don’t believe that we can level up.
So, this is written as a reminder to those who doubt themselves and who are actually meant to be leaders.
Wondering whether or not you are meant to be a leader?
Western society promotes bad leadership in corporate organizations. It seems that “evil leaders” win and appear smarter and more successful than “good leaders”. Though these organizations function well and get results, they become more and more toxic to work in.
These organizations have to subsequently provide trainings and team building exercises to counter the effect of negative leadership.
What we need are effective leaders with great character. Most people want the title, the power but don’t have the character, the values or the attitude.
You are definitively meant to be a leader if…
#1. People naturally gravitate to you and ask you for your advice
Have you been standing in the streets, people come up to you for direction? In the grocery isles, people ask you for products? At work, people ask you for help on their project that you know nothing about?
People ask you for advice everywhere you go. That is because you seem approachable, like you have the answers to their problems and like you will not retain any information.
#2. You have a clear vision and a direction for your future
You have a vision for your future and you have the conviction that your dreams will come through. You dream so big that your dreams seem almost impossible.
Sometimes, you may not know what you are doing but you sure know where you are going.
Also, you may not be able to immediately put your vision into action but you are sure that it’ll come through, you know how to apply yourself, you know how to trust your gut and to put your best foot forward, and you know how to find the people to help you achieve your goals.
#3. Your character is remarkable
You have outstanding character and people model their behaviors on yours.
Furthermore, you have a strong moral compass. Even under pressure, you have to do what is right so you can respect yourself, love yourself and sleep at night.
#4. You love to learn
You are eager to learn, to explore and innovate. As a matter of fact, you ask tones of questions and you are an ever evolving being.
You have learnt from your employees, from bad leadership and from good mentors.
In addition, you don’t retain information, you are able to speak frankly and openly.
#5. You see people strengths and weaknesses
You see people strengths and weaknesses and you place them in the areas of their strengths.
Indeed, when you are a leader, you see people for who they really are and for what they can bring, you don’t make assumptions.
On the same occasion, you know where your strengths lie, where they will be complementary and where your weaknesses would hold people back.
Finally, you surround yourself with people who make you better and who complete you.
#6. You follow your own rules
You beat to the sound of your own drums. You don’t follow social rules and you think outside the box.
You don’t care about what people have to say about you, you go after what you want, indifferently to social expectations, to your circumstances and to stereotypes.
#7. You are a problem solver
You understand that there are several ways of doing one thing. With you as a leader, people are most likely to take risks, to innovate and are less afraid of making mistakes.
You have a lot of life experience, you find solutions to problems by asking people or by experience. Good or bad, you are grateful for your experiences and you are now wiser.
#8. You are resilient
You hurt like everybody else, you feel people pain but you are capable of withstanding adversity and of recovering quickly. In other words, you can take a licking keep on ticking.
#9. You are an equal opportunity leader
You treat everyone the same: you believe in fairness, equality and in equity.
You don’t make assumptions about people and their behavior.
#10. You are a people person
Furthermore, you don’t assume power or influence over people. You just lead when it is needed, show appreciation for people and you don’t hug the spotlight.
At last, you do not let negative energy permeate into your life and you leave your emotions at the door.
#11. You like to help
You like helping people, giving them the information that they need to succeed, even if they didn’t ask for help.
In your opinion, helping people is incredibly gratifying. You don’t do it for them to like you. You did it because you were needed and because you want the project to move forward.
And, you are humble enough to ask for help.
#12. You are innovative
You are constantly dissatisfied with the current system. That is why, you love innovation and you inspire others to innovate.
#13. You are cognizant of office politics
You know everything that is happening in your office and you know everyone by name.
However, you don’t judge your employees, blame them for their mistakes or gossip about your employees with your own employees.
You notice those who need training, those who hate their job, those who outperform, and those who underperform.
Basically, you understand office politics.
Last Words Of Advice!
Mots of the time, people and parents, even with the best intentions, want to direct your life. Then, we listen and achieve what people expect of us.
A leader, recognizing the value of people close to him or her, taking into account the opinions of others, recognizes that their own dreams supercede all that.
Hope that I’ve helped you get it together on your way to leadership!
Don’t forget to like, share and leave a comment below.
The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, And Confidence With Everyday Courage by Mel Robbins is a self-help book, urging people to take action by using a 5 second countdown trick.
What is The 5 Second Rule?
The 5 Second Rule is a “metacognition technique” that improves your sense of self, your life, career, health.
The principle of The 5 Second Rule is the following:
“The moment you have an instinct to act on a goal you must 5-4-3-2-1 and physically move or your brain will stop you.” At 1, you should be moving.
Where does The 5 Second Rule come from?
The principle of The 5 Second Rule comes from the combination of two thoughts:
- Mel Robbins, while feeling she failed at life, realized that she would take only 5 seconds to talk herself out of waking up in the morning, out of improving and doing the right thing.
- One night, while watching TV, Mel Robbins also made the observation that a rocket launches after a 5 second countdown. Afterwards, she would launch herself out of bed, the same way the rocket would launch into space.
What are the benefits of The 5 Second Rule?
The 5 Second Rule is an empowering thought process. Through this principle, you are able to experience freedom and quiet your mind.
The 5 Second Rule enables you to trust your instincts, to take back control of your life, to make the right decisions.
Among its various applications, you will have the ability to improve your health, focus on the essentials, increase your productivity, break procrastination, avoid distractions, be authentic, replace your bad habits with good ones, get up early and start your routine early in the morning.
The 5 Second Rule is a tool that drives courage in difficult times and builds “Real Confidence”. It pushes you to act and to change.
What about courage?
According to Mel Robbins, when trying to change, when facing something that is uncertain, unknown, that scares you or makes you hesitate, your brain feels like something is wrong.
Your mind will then stop the change process and trap you with your own thoughts.
Courage, your birthright, is therefore required to push you forward and to implement change.
The 5 Second Rule will give you the courage you need to go after what you really want, to have a more fulfilling life and to not give in to your fears.
In addition, it is detrimental for you to stop making excuses for not acting on your instincts. Your excuses are always wrong and there is no right time.
No external factor will validate your choices and your ideas. Only putting yourself out there and getting out your comfort zone will.
What about confidence?
Confidence is a skill which means it is a learnt behavior. In fact, your confidence has nothing to do with your personality and will increase every time you step out of your comfort zone.
Your everyday courage will help you assess your own worth, build up your confidence, connect with yourself, find your true passion, build meaningful relationships, and meet new people.
Your everyday courage gives you the confidence to explore and makes you realize that the power you need was inside of you all along.
In appearance, The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, And Confidence With Everyday Courage by Mel Robbins, looks like a time management book that provides quick short-term fixes.
However, in reality, The 5 Second Rule is a transformational tool, delivering long-term results.
It is written for people who are plagued by fear, who want to change and take charge of their lives but don’t know how to. Change is difficult because it requires courage and confidence.
Furthermore, The 5 Second Rule can be customized to your liking. It enables you to:
- Work on your confidence and your courage.
- Stop overthinking, worrying and magnifying problems.
- Trust your guts and honor your instincts.
- Stop hesitating and holding yourself back.
- Become more present and acquire patience.
- Start performing and to become more goal-oriented.
- Control your emotions, fight mental illnesses and bad mental habits.
- Take ownership of your life and start the transformation process.
The 5 Second Rule is a principle that we already intuitively and intrinsically know. But, after years of research, Mel Robbins coherently put these ideas together.
Mel Robbins also shares poignant quotes, real examples and testimonials of people who have used The 5 Second Rule for diverse reasons.
The 5 Second Rule is life changing, encouraging, motivational and inspirational. It shows you how to change for the better.
That’s what you are doing when you use the Rule. You are honoring yourself. You are championing your ideas. And each time you use it, you take one step closer to being the person you are truly meant to be.
Doing the work to improve your life is simple, you can do it, and it’s work you want to do—because it’s the most important work that there is. It is the work of learning how to love and trust yourself enough to stop waiting and to start leaning into all the magic, opportunity, and joy that your life, work, and relationships have to offer.
When it comes to goals, dreams, and changing your life, your inner wisdom is a genius. Your goal-related impulses, urges, and instincts are there to guide you. You need to learn to bet on them.
The difference between people who make their dreams come true and those of us who don’t is just one thing: the courage to start and the discipline to keep going.
Mel Robbins is a motivational and keynote speaker. Mel Robbins is also the author of The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, And Confidence With Everyday Courage.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz gathers four “agreements” to live by to ensure a better lifestyle, a deeper understanding of life, a life in the moment.
What is an agreement?
The four agreements come from the Toltec teachings of wisdom. The goal of this book is to make each agreement a habit.
An agreement is:
- a programming of the mind.
- a language, a code that helps us understand each other.
- a belief system that has domesticated us.
It represents the rules that we abide to, that we pass down from generation to generation.
unfortunately, we have not chosen the agreements that we have concluded. Most of the time, they have been chosen for us and existed longer than we have.
The First Agreement
The first agreement is to be “impeccable with your words“. This means that you must be careful of not using words against yourself and others.
Indeed, there is power in the words that you use. Matter of fact, it is the most powerful tool at your disposition.
You can use your words to create beauty or to wreak havoc.
“What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are, will all be manifested through the word”.
Purpose of the agreement
Being “impeccable with your words” helps you suppress any toxicity from your mind, free your mind from fear and doubt, and filter out negativity.
Implementing the agreement
Furthermore, words grow and take root in your mind if we are not careful. So:
- Be true to yourself.
- Be careful of the words that you use on yourself.
- Do not speak against yourself.
- Avoid gossiping and don’t believe gossip.
- Accept and love yourself so you can demonstrate love and acceptance toward others.
The Second Agreement
The second agreement is to not “take anything personally”.
Often times, people are preoccupied with their own beliefs, feelings and opinions about themselves that they take out on others.
Even if they insult you directly, it is wise not to take their insult personally.
Purpose of the agreement
This agreement is necessary to avoid burdening yourself with people’s problem, setting “yourself up to suffer for nothing”.
Acquiring this habit will help you free yourself, keep your heart open, see people for who they really are, and be unaffected by fear.
Implementing the agreement
- All opinions about you are not necessarily true.
- Opinions about you depends on the person and on their moods.
- We can choose what to believe and what to agree with.
- You must trust yourself and don’t need to trust anyone else.
The Third Agreement
The third agreement consists in not making assumptions.
Undeniably, assumptions are not the truth and breeds problems.
Purpose of the agreement
The third agreement will help you build better relationships and increase your communication skills.
Implementing the agreement
To properly implement this agreement:
- Ask for clarifications rather than making assumptions.
- Remember that it is OK to ask questions.
- Collect the right data about people and situations first.
- Don’t assume that people can read your mind.
- Ask for what you want, expect yes or no. Understand that you can say yes or no as well.
The Fourth Agreement
This fourth agreement encourages you to always “do you best“. It consolidates all previous three agreements.
Purpose of the agreement
Forming the habit of always doing your best will:
- Save you from harsh self-judgement.
- Increase your production.
- Mature your self-love
Implementing the agreement
Keep in mind that:
- Your best will fluctuate all the time. It will depend on your mood, on your energy level, on your health and on your situation.
- you must take action without expecting any rewards. This way, you will be able to enjoy your actions better.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz provides a very powerful perspective on life. It encourages self-transformation, self-awareness, self acceptance, and the understanding of others.
I found out briefly that The Four Agreements, yet short, is thoughtful and goes straight to the point. It calls out society’s hypocrisy, fear and domestication.
Everyone I know who have read this book has felt elevated. It was therefore hard to resist reading it and I have to say that I did not regret it.
As you read, you will find that you already had the knowledge and the wisdom within you but have been holding it back. You will learn to trust yourself and set yourself free.
The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life.
Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, don’t take it personally.
Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore, you don’t need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally.
All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally.
Action is about living fully. Inaction is the way that we deny life. Inaction is sitting in front of the television every day for years because you are afraid to be alive and to take the risk of expressing what you are.
In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown explains the reasons why we are afraid of being vulnerable, the different ways we protect ourselves from vulnerability, and how to become more vulnerable in our society.
Daring Greatly means being vulnerable, being engaged, being exposed and avoiding being perfect.
A Narcissistic Society
Many researchers have shown that the American culture has turned into a narcissistic influenced culture, a culture of scarcity, a culture where people put themselves first, think that they are special, are always connected to social media, go after money and power, chase beauty and other vanity, compare themselves, are disengaged and concerned with the idea of lacking.
Instead of putting sown narcissistic people and showing them that they are not special, it is better to seek understanding and find the root of the problem.
Being narcissistic stems from a feeling of not being enough and of being ordinary.
Vulnerability & The Feeling Of Not Being Enough
The feeling of not being enough brings about shame and stops us from being vulnerable. Shame is a universal emotion, is corrosive, “keeps us small, resentful and afraid”.
Furthermore, we become disengaged when we are too afraid to be vulnerable, when we are ashamed, when we lack purpose, when a social contract is not met.
It is critical to speak out on your shame, to be self-aware, to know your self-worth, to ask and receive feedback because knowing your worth will help you become more vulnerable.
To eradicate the feeling of shame:
- Identify your shame triggers.
- Observe your self talk.
- Practice authenticity.
- Accept your experiences.
- Share your experience, be vulnerable with someone who genuinely cares about you.
Common Misconceptions About Vulnerability
We are thought not to be vulnerable, not to show our emotions, to look down on those who do. There are several misconceptions when it comes to vulnerability.
Misconception #1: “Vulnerability is weakness”
The reality is vulnerability is not a weakness, is not good or bad. Vulnerable is the origin of all emotions. It therefore becomes important to acknowledge your vulnerability.
Besides, the people who think that they are impenetrable are in fact the most vulnerable.
Misconception #2: “I don’t do vulnerability”
Vulnerability is unavoidable. When we try to avoid it, we often exhibit unusual inconsistent behaviors.
Misconception #3: Vulnerability is letting it all hang out”
You cannot be vulnerable with everyone. It is important to build trust and boundaries before being vulnerable. Otherwise, more times than ever, you will end up getting betrayed and hurt.
Misconception #4: “We can go it alone”
Individualism and going it alone are highly regarded in American culture. In this case, it is essential to construct a support system, to ask for and receive help
Shame As A Management Tool
Most of the time, shame and the blame game are used as management tool, yet is ineffective.
Subsequently, the situations that we face on a daily basis, in the education system, in the workplace, force us to keep our head down and our mouth shut which doesn’t encourage innovation, creativity or the learning process.
Vulnerability & Protective Mechanism
Our protective mechanisms are survival strategies, used to shield our vulnerability. Those shields can go from foreboding joy, to perfectionism to numbing down your emotions.
To avoid shielding vulnerability, it is critical to:
- Practice gratitude.
- Appreciate your strengths and weaknesses.
- Confront your emotions.
- Live a more fulfilling life and feed your spirit.
- Focus your time and energy on the essentials.
- Consider how your behavior affect those around you.
Shield #1: Victim mentality
Some people go through life with a victim or perpetrator, win or lose mentally and subsequently fall into one of these categories.
Surprisingly, the people who have been through the most trauma, demonstrate the most resilience. And, people who don’t feel like victims or perpetrators, see themselves as thrivers.
Shield #2: “Floodlighting”
Floodlighting is essentially oversharing and stems from a need for confirmation and validation.
We have to be careful not to share vulnerable stories too soon with people who have not earned the right to hear them. The people on the receiving end often shut down, lack empathy or feel disconnected.
Shield #3: “The smash and grab”
With this shield, some people use vulnerability as a manipulation, sensationalizing tactic that is common in celebrity culture, as an attention seeking tool.
Shield #4: “Serpentining”
Serpentining is a draining and an avoidance behavior. It happens when people are not facing a situation head on for fear of being vulnerable, of not being present.
Shield #5: Mean-spiritedness
In this case, people use criticism, cynicism and mean-spiritedness to protect themselves. They are mean to people who dare demonstrate vulnerability.
Daring Greatly is essential to leadership, parenting, relationships, finding your purpose and your passion.
Through Daring Greatly, Brown has gathered data from people from different walks of life so we can somewhat self diagnose and become more aware of some of our toxic behavior.
Brené Brown makes some pertinent point and writes exactly like she speaks. Furthermore, Brown is very open and authentic, shares her anecdotes, fears and doubt. For example, she is vulnerable with us, mindful of the stories to share, lets us into her conversations with her therapist.
All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this book.
Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.
Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.
Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.
We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. Researchers don’t find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all—there are no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and
hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.
Much of the beauty of light owes its existence to the dark. The most powerful moments of our lives happen when we string together the small flickers of light created by courage, compassion, and connection and see them shine in the darkness of our struggles.